i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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