And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
kristin has been a bad kristin
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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