2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
