Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
one two three fourrrrnication!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
