I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
