I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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