I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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