Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
