there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There's always time for handjobs
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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