Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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