you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
