I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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