Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
