so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
