Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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