I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I need to calm my uterus...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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