just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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