So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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