i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
