my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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