Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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