how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
