Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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