just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
