So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
This toilet bowl is my home.
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