so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize