Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
