The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
That's intense
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
