bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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