I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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