Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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