First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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