Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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