can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize