3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
