so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
