I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's shark week go big or go home
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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