Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Less talking, more tequila
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
