I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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