So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
