I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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