im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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