I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
