so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
