Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
