I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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