Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
