We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
