Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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