I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
