It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
