Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
