i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
