I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
