I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
