i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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