with your own penis?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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