Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
